It is 12:30 in the morning. I should be sound asleep. I am tired but my mind is going 500 miles a minute! This is VERY annoying.
I guess I am just worrying. I know that there is no cause for it, and that GOD is in control.I am just terrified of failing. I am beginning to wonder if this move was the right thing to do. I just do not feel at home here. I know it is just my insecurities. And the fact that I have never really rented a house on my own before. From the time I was little it seemed we always lived in an apartment or a duplex. I think the reason I feel this way is the fact that I don't know anyone around here. In an apartment/duplex you seem to get to know your neighbors fairly quick. I haven't met anyone around here and that's not to say that they are unfriendly. The problem is me. I have found myself introverting more and more lately. I am much more scared and nervous around strangers. Even around my friends i have been finding myself closing up. Not wanting to be apart of anything.
Take this evening for example. My Sunday School class had a 4th of July picnic and bar-b-que. I had been looking forward to going, then at the last minute I just wanted to say forget it and stay home. I forced my self to go. I love these people who were going to be there. Yet suddenly I was a nervous wreck and terrified to be there with everyone. I stayed for only about an hour and a half. As soon as the meal was over I just had this feeling that I needed to get out of there. My best friend was asking me what was wrong and all I could say was that I was ready to go home. I had to get out of there quickly before the tears came. I find myself in tears just about everyday. Some times 8 or 9 times a day. I am beginning to think that I am going crazy and that I need help. I think I may need to go see one of the pastors or even worse a doctor. I just want these feelings to go away. I have been praying to this end but some days just feel so disconnected to God.