Saturday, July 5, 2008

Another Night of Insomnia

It is 12:30 in the morning. I should be sound asleep. I am tired but my mind is going 500 miles a minute! This is VERY annoying.

I guess I am just worrying. I know that there is no cause for it, and that GOD is in control.I am just terrified of failing. I am beginning to wonder if this move was the right thing to do. I just do not feel at home here. I know it is just my insecurities. And the fact that I have never really rented a house on my own before. From the time I was little it seemed we always lived in an apartment or a duplex. I think the reason I feel this way is the fact that I don't know anyone around here. In an apartment/duplex you seem to get to know your neighbors fairly quick. I haven't met anyone around here and that's not to say that they are unfriendly. The problem is me. I have found myself introverting more and more lately. I am much more scared and nervous around strangers. Even around my friends i have been finding myself closing up. Not wanting to be apart of anything.
Take this evening for example. My Sunday School class had a 4th of July picnic and bar-b-que. I had been looking forward to going, then at the last minute I just wanted to say forget it and stay home. I forced my self to go. I love these people who were going to be there. Yet suddenly I was a nervous wreck and terrified to be there with everyone. I stayed for only about an hour and a half. As soon as the meal was over I just had this feeling that I needed to get out of there. My best friend was asking me what was wrong and all I could say was that I was ready to go home. I had to get out of there quickly before the tears came. I find myself in tears just about everyday. Some times 8 or 9 times a day. I am beginning to think that I am going crazy and that I need help. I think I may need to go see one of the pastors or even worse a doctor. I just want these feelings to go away. I have been praying to this end but some days just feel so disconnected to God.

1 comment:

Karyn Reed said...

Hello friend, You are definately crazy, it is part of your charm. Without being a little crazy you probably wouldn't be my friend. Seriously though, talk to one of the pastors right away. I know you are struggling and you really need to figure out how to make it better. Just remember that you are loved and you have many people here to talk if you are ready. See you in the morning. See, I told you I didn't believe you when you said nothing was wrong. You are a terrible liar, but I think you know that.